I made these cupcakes in such a temper that Julia Child definitely would not have approved. Hummingbird would definitely have not approved. Even a three-year-old would not have approved.
It's so difficult seeing others reap what they have sowed, rightfully, others achieving what I so ever wanted, with me still stuck in the gutter, failing to look at the stars. Do I even believe in what is coming out of my mouth. Do I even trust in my dreams anymore. Do I even dare to dream.
I was so frustrated I couldn't sit still. I had to, had to do something with myself. Work off the confusion, the frustration. And not for the first time, I pulled out the flour, sugar, raided the fridge for leftover unsalted butter from Father's Day and
Lemon Meringue Cupcakes combined, and took out the pot of
Smoky Earl Grey Loose Tea that I got Mum at
Fortnum and Mason.
There's a musky scent to
Smoky Earl Grey, reminded me of a barbecue, and there's a slightly bitter after taste to it. I like it though. It's almost as if you can smell the burnt scent even though it's the taste that is 'smoky'. The wonders of our five senses. Sometimes it gets blurred and I get confused.
Look at my mess. Flour everywhere. It always happens, so I always measure out a bit more than needed. Yet I can't deny how I love the way flour puffs up like a cloud. Up until it gets in your nose and then I regret.
And then I bit into one. The bitterness in my mouth matched the bitterness in my heart, I know I have more to be thankful for than to be bitter about but the bitter aftertaste cannot be ignored. The sponge was soft as I liked it, with slightly crusty bits because I had been so distracted I let the top brown more than it should. It was like drinking earl grey but with milk and sugar, not a way I normally like taking my tea (I prefer it black). My parents each had one too, they prefer cupcakes without the icing. And I bit into a tea leaf and reminded myself that there are things which are more bitter in life than I normally have to take it to be.
You don't have to promise me the moon and the stars...just promise that you'll stand under them with me.
